“The mental load” is another phrase social media has brought to life (the phrase is “brought to light” but I really think it should be “life” since I think social media created it, but I digress) in the last couple of years. It’s a real thing for sure -the constant pressures of motherhood and the mental load to keep it up. When I first read about it, I was like “YES!” It felt so much like me and I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one (considering everyone else always appears to have it all held together). It is in the mind where it often falls apart. Pure chaos.

In college, during a random conversation that I can’t actually remember, it came out that my friend has the total ability to have a completely blank mind. Like, “hey what are you thinking about?” And a “absolutely nothing” was the honest answer. I envied that at the time because it felt like my mind was always on. I’ve been meaning to ask her now for awhile if now that she has a children and a career, she still has the ability to let the mind go blank. If she does…I’m totally jealous.

Currently in a new state of being a SAHM, my mental load has changed, and maybe can’t even be described as a “load” anymore but more of “information and sensory overload”. While it definitely doesn’t feel as go,go,go as it did when I was working (“gotta do this and this and this and make this appointment and be there”) it no longer just feels like a checklist of stuff to do. It feels like I’m IN it. It surrounds me. It feels like a slow, but spinning circle. My responsibilities seem dull and there is not really a sense of accomplishment when I’m done…because nothing is ever really done when you’re in the house.

It currently seems like I never have enough groceries, there seems to be twice the amount of laundry (maybe just because I don’t have a laundry room to hide it in), I’m never done cleaning because there is a new cereal disaster or juice spill once an hour. Is this overwhelming? No, not really, but it’s all accumulating in my mind. “Pick this up, clean that, wipe that, fold those, need eggs, must get mail (but only after 1230 and requires 20 min drive, but must be back for Bennett’s nap), mail packages, buy more chocolates to mail, dinner, dinner, dinner!”

I think I just have no singular focus at all and so my mind is like a ping pong ball. There is an episode in Gilmore Girls toward the end of the series (I just finished binging on this) where Lorelai is trying to write a letter but her mind is everywhere else…and then she lists what’s going on in her mind…I may have never related to something so strongly before! (Also, they talk pretty fast and switch subjects quickly on the show anyway, and I really relate to that too). I am not sure I can upload a video on this blog but if I could I would.

Anway, that is me always but particularly last week in church. As we were walking out I told Justin, “I have so many thoughts!” Except they weren’t about church and I had to admit that I couldn’t even recall the idea in the readings 😳. I was ping-ing back-and-forth, from clothes to gifts to dinner to TV to the fact that I needed a TV in my room (for folding laundry) to school to sports to items I need to buy for sports to hearing a brief snipet of the homily to books to Christmas to halloween to makeup…it literally never stopped.

I think this is also pretty apparent in my blogs, at least in the topics. They’re mostly somehow related to our time here, but they definitely bounce around – travel, food, kids, school, travel, souvenirs. Realistically, 80% of the reason I’m even blogging right now is to try to get some of it OUT of my head and maybe find out that others feel the same! The other 20% is so I have lasting memories forever etched into the internet.

I mean, my mind has always been full and somewhat on overdrive, but when I was working I HAD to focus on pharmacy for at least most of my day – though I did still wander but most of that was done out loud to coworkers and Throughsinging.  Maybe that’s what I need? 1. Work that I’m ok at 😬 2. Adult stimulation 3. Music (I don’t listen to the radio here so I don’t hear new songs and half the time I let the kids watch movies so there is no radio anyway).

I need focus. For my immediate future, I’m going to try focus on Downton Abbey before Netflix removes it in 6 days. Today, I tried to watch an episode and I had to replay the same part at least 6 times because I couldn’t hear them (and the subtitles are only available in Dutch 😥) my mind wandered, my phone beeped, Bennett played his super loud trains 😬.

Wait, what was I talking about? Kidding. Until the next one…